How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
pray to the hookup gods
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
