He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
