just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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