Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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