I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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