Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he puts the penis in happiness.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My dick has a subreddit
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize