a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I skipped work to stalk him.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
