I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
