now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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