Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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