someone threw a dead crab at me
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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