is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
