she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
