Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
