he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize