btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
