i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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