my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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