My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize