Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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