Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
