dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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