If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
