he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
