Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
