I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
