dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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