I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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