oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
