Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
