god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
