I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
