Your dad touched me again.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Life is so much better after having sex.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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