Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
