i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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