i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
