I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
