Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
