listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
