I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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