so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
