highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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