I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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