only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
