dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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