I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is it because I queefed?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
