I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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