Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize