as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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