I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize