And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
