Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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