she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
