just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
