there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
